August 12th, 2011
After the excitement from being in the city we were thrown into the stillness of volunteer life. The day after swear-in we packed up out lives again and moved into our communities. I had read about this day, when you get dropped off and you watch the PC vehicle drive away and you get hit with this intense feeling of loneliness, but I still wasn’t prepared.
That initial moment when the car left I wasn’t feeling like OMG what now, I had too much unpacking to do. It is now 5 days later and I am finally thinking, what am I doing? Where do I start? How do I start? Can I do this? Will it get better? Am I on the right track? Am I screwing up?
I keep reminding myself, its week one and that week one in my host community felt the same way but I ended up loving it there. It’s just a daughting task to think about the next two years and knowing that nothing will happen until I make it happen. But how do I make it happen? My mind shifts rapidly from feelings of “I can’t wait to start”; to thinking “I am never going to be able to do anything here.” One moment I’m feeling like I’m integrating fabulously and the next I’m cursing the rat that is trying to get into my hut and wishing for the comforts of home.
My new family is nice. They speak great English, which is a blessing and a downfall. However, they are small. There are only three of them, a grandpa, a father, and a brother. It similar to the size of my family in the states but I just moved out of a hectic 10 person family, which gave me comfort and something to do always. It will take a while to adjust into a quieter life here. I can’t wait for the day when I’ve found my niche, found a friend in the community, found a reason to get out of bed. “It will come, give it time,” is what I tell myself. Be gentle and patient and things will fall into place.
My living accommodations are nice. It becomes cozier everyday, except I have a few friends that I don’t totally enjoy. There are some rats, are at least one rat. I haven’t seen him/them but I have spent many frozen moments hovering on my bed with a flashlight shining on the door because I can hear them trying to chew through the pillow I shoved under the door. I have become paranoid and literally dream that someone is standing next to my bed ready to kill them if they crawl on me. I also have a pet lizard that I have named Pascal. Yes I know like in Tangled. But I do feel like Repundzle. I live in a round hut with a thatched spired roof. I do my choirs by 7am, read my books, paint the walls (ok I only pretend), cook, brush my hair (ok not really), read the books again, and dream. Its funny how much more relatable I can make Disney movies now and you all know how relatable I tried to make them before. I don’t have electricity, but I do have a sink with running water and… wait for it… a toilet, an actual porcelain god inside my hut. Hello posh corps, no biffs for this Biff!